Into Her Future
by JMontgomery90
Summary: A glimpse into the mind of Ahsoka Tano as she decides to leave the Jedi Order. Please be nice, this is my first try.


The halls had never seemed so long.

All of the years she'd spent here, it had never taken her this long to reach the ground entrance. It seemed like lifetimes. The birth and death of the galaxy could have taken place as she made those thousand or so steps to the giant archway leading to Coruscant proper. She couldn't think. She didn't want to. Through a great effort of will, she kept her face blank, her eyes straight ahead.

She knew that her Force Aura was betraying her with her every step. She could hear the hushed whispers of the padawans behind her. The murmuring rumors. Where was she going? What had transpired in the Council Chambers? What would happen to her now? She almost laughed. These were the very same questions that echoed through her skull. The future was a blank wall. One that she didn't have the strength to look at yet.

It was all too soon, too fresh, too raw. It all hurt too much. Betrayal had set a foul taste at the back of her throat, and nothing, not the apologies of Plo Koon, not the complements of Saesee Tiin, not the offers of Yoda could get it out. Not even the pleading eyes of Anakin could… she choked back a sob. No. She _would not_ break down. Not here. But it was that look that haunted her. That weighted down her every step. That look that said that he needed her. That look that said that the wishes of the Council couldn't possibly mean less, that he wanted her to stay because he needed her. That he couldn't lose her. That was what stiffened her spine and clenched her fists. That look was chipping away at her resolve, like water on rock. She'd resisted initially. It hadn't been easy, but she had managed it. But now…

Now a thousand voices, all of them Anakin's, begged her, pleaded her to stop. To come back. But she couldn't. She just couldn't. Not after this.

She stepped under the arch, it's shadow like a black gloved hand beckoning her to reconsider.

"Ahsoka, wait!"

A voice echoed behind her. For a moment, she thought it was her imagination. One last attempt from her besieged mind to try to weaken her resolve. She walked on, her eyes locked on the long stair leading out of the Temple grounds. If she could just reach that, she could quiet these doubts, or so she hoped.

"Ahsoka, I need to talk to you!"

Her eyes closed, and she sighed. This was no mirage. It was him. The only one she really, really, _really _didn't want to talk to right now. The one she'd rather completely forget if she could.

_Please don't. Please, just turn around. Walk away. Let me go._

But the sound of his pounding footsteps, and the huff of his labored breathing came closer, and she knew him well enough to know that he would chase her to the Outer Rim if he had to to get her to listen to him. So, she stopped. She didn't turn. She just stopped.

She heard him stop a meter or so behind her, breathing hard. Whether from emotion or the run she didn't know. Her glare at the steps broke, along with her resolve, and she turned to face him.

"Why are you doing this?"

He made it sound so simple. As if she could give him a few simple words that could accurately describe all of the reasons. Betrayal, doubt, anger, disappointment, confusion, exhaustion, fear, disgust. These were just a few of the tides rippling through her mind. She thought a moment. Trust. In the end, it all came down to trust. Trust that had been shattered.

"The Council didn't trust me," she said simply. "So, how can I trust myself?"

Even as she said the words, she realized their truth. It was her trust in herself that had really been broken. A Jedi had to know himself entirely before he could know anything else, and right now, she didn't have a clue who, or even what she was.

Anakin's face twisted into something between a grimace and a sob.

"What about me? I believed in you! I stood by you!"

This was her greatest fear. That somehow he would take her departure as his failing. That he would spend the next few years silently questioning himself, doubting every move he made because he had been given a padawan, a sacred trust, and he had failed her. This scared her because she knew it would weaken him. And Anakin must always remain strong. For if he couldn't, then what hope did she have?

"I know you believe in me, Anakin, and I'm grateful for that." She resisted the urge to put her hand on his arm. "But this isn't about you. I can't stay here any longer... not now."

She turned away from him, unable to hold his gaze anymore.

A look of desperation covered his features. She saw it, and knew that he was finally beginning to realize. Finally, it had sunk in. Ahsoka Tano was leaving the Jedi Order, and there was nothing he could say or do to stop her.

"The Jedi Order is your life! You can't just throw it away like this! Ahsoka,…"

His voice sunk almost to a whisper.

"You are making a mistake."

As his realization grew, so did hers. She _was_ leaving. She was _leaving._ Everything she had known, everything she had been would stay behind. All that she was would die here, on this staircase.

"Maybe," she said turning to face him once more.

"But I have to sort this out on my own. Without the Council… and…"

She faltered, trying to take some of the sting out of her words.

"And without… you."

She saw the muscles along his face tighten as he clenched his jaw. She turned away again, unable to bear the pain written across his face.

He gave a great, shuddering sigh.

"I understand. More than you realize, I understand wanting to walk away from the Order."

She threw a glance back over her shoulder that spoke far more than she did.

"I know."

Her eyes fell on those steps again. Meant to represent the great heights that a padawan must ascend to attain mastery, for the first time she saw how conversely the represented just how far one had to fall to leave it all behind. Those steps were more then just a path. They were her future, with all of it's mysteries, all of it's fears. They were a pack of wild beasts that would consume her if she let them.

Behind her, she could feel Anakin, still silently begging her to turn around. She opened her mouth to say something,… then realized… there was nothing left to be said.

The first step was the hardest. The thought of leaving him standing there, staring after her, alone, almost stopped her. Could she really just leave him? Not the Order. Her mind was already made up on that count, but him. Could she walk away from Anakin Skywalker? The steps blurred as her eyes filled with tears. She let them fall.  
Could she walk away from Anakin Skywalker? She already had. She kept walking, eyes locked on the horizon, face foreword. Her past was behind her. All that she had faced, all that she had come through, none of it mattered anymore. For all intents and purposes, Ahsoka Tano died here. What, if anything would rise from her ashes, she didn't know. But she would face the future without fear. Whatever was waiting for her, out there in a galaxy big enough to get lost and found in, she would take it unflinchingly. She raised her chin, daring the galaxy to take it's best shot. She didn't know what she was anymore, but she would not be a coward. She owed that much to Anakin. If there was nothing else she could take from his legacy, she could take that. With that thought, Ahsoka Tano walked into her future.


End file.
